I cannot, for the freakin' life of me, fall asleep.
I also CANNOT stop listening to this song tonight.
Ugh. I've done something so stupid today, and I'm sure that's why I can't sleep. I'm way too emotional sometimes. I take things too personally. I always assume the worst. WHY? It doesn't seem to matter how small or big something is, I assume the worst, and think it's my fault. It's so weird. I'm always apologizing for myself, and I am SO sick of that. I have no need to apologize anymore. I feel like everything is my fault, and it manifests itself into Debbie Downer and Anna Annoying had a dumb, annoying downer baby named Stephanie.
This is something I desperately need to work on before everyone I know steers clear of me. Well, I lied. I don't ALWAYS take things personally, and I don't ALWAYS assume the worst. I think I'll internalize some of that stuff, and try not to let it show, but then I do. I'm sure it's so frustrating for whoever's on the receiving end of that. But sooometimes, people treat you not-as-good as you deserve, and theeeen it's the worst for you, because you're too sensitive, and too emotional, and you let their complete lack of respect or care hurt you. I'm so done, man.
Anyway. I had another completely thrilling, exciting run today. I'm achieving new personal bests left and right. It's stupid, but I AM proud of myself. There are days when it takes A LOT of self-talk to get myself out there, moving. But, I've been very, very good about it since October, and that's special.
Seriously? This song is so good. You need to listen to my music reccommendations because I have good taste, and a friend with excellent taste in music who passes on the best shit to me.
Did you know I love swear words? That's something about me. I try to limit my use because a long time ago some guy told me listening to a girl swear makes her unattractive. I take the words of men to heart way too much. Like when my first high school boyfriend told me, "Only dykes play soccer." So, I quit playing. Ugh, idiot. Both of us! I know where that came from, but I wish I could fix it/change it. So, sometimes, particularly when I'm tired or stressed, the inner-sailor comes out, and every other word is F, S, B, A, and so on. Em-Effer is the best.
Mad at myself still. I wish I could vent about it, but it just seems like a terrible idea. If it weren't 12:36 a.m., I'd go run, but my luck, I'd get mugged/raped/killed. I live in Irvine, which means virtually nothing to most of the people reading this, I think, but... people don't get mugged, killed, or raped in Irvine. I wish I still knew how to write. I swear I used to be decent. People were going to offer me money (disgustingly low amounts of money) to write for their newspaper. That was another life though, dude.
Tomorrow night is my class with my male teacher. I may have already mentioned this, but I have the slightest of crushes on him. Older, smart, cute, and a little sarcastic. Good combo. I feel like the biggest idiot in this class because whenever he looks at me, or talks to me, I blush and giggle. I'm 28, people. I should have grown out of that.
I'm sorry my posts are usually super random. (See how I apologized again?!)
My conclusion to this is: I need to stop doing that! I don't need to apologize. I have WAY too many good things going on in my life to let something so stupid as today's event get me down. I'm telling myself to let it go. I need to let it go. It's completely pointless to hold on to.
11 hours ago